Nothing interesting has been going on recently in games, or in my hideously empty life. I may get a tear drop tattoo in the new year to celebrate the lack of interesting things for us to put on our website at the moment.

Not only this, but we are lazy and drunk, and can’t be bothered to make things up, that would come under “trying”, and that really just isn’t cool. We’re not interested in being uncool here at eolb, I’ll tell you that for nothing.

Anyway, rest assured we’ll be back after our extended Christmas break, assuming we remember to pay for hosting this year.

So yeah, we’ll be back in January, Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. It’s cheaper if we say it here rather than send you card.

Time for the traditional Parappa end of year message:

Remember, you gotta believe.

What the fuck is this?

Someone is trying to sell this for $12, which is like, more than ten pence. Buying this would be a lot like paying someone $12 to punch you in the eyes every second for the rest of your life, except far, far worse.

It’s in a “trademark” NeilJam style, apparently. When people say “style” in art, it generally means “I can’t actually draw, sorry”. Here I would say it means that. I do not know this man, he may be a genius, he does not show it.

How can Sonic run in those shoes? How can he see without proper eyes? How can he look borderline anorexic with those meaty arms and shoulders? What have you done to him, sir? Why? Does it thrill you in some despicable way? Oh, the outrage, the despair, the complete absence of arousal.

It’s not just Sonic, either.

Oh, dear me. I think I need a shower.

If you’re an idiot that likes buying things that children could draw more appealingly, feel free to throw your money over here.

BONUS EDIT:

NeilJam likes us!

I’m going to assume for a moment that you’ve played, or at least have a fleeting knowledge of, The Legend of Zelda series.

Because frankly, if you don’t, you’re either on the wrong website again (here, let me help) or are still waiting on delivery of your Nintendo Entertainment System to the hole you’ve been living in for the past 20-odd years. Or you’re just a nob.

Legend of Princess, a game by a chap who goes by the name of Konjak, bears more than a slight nudge-wink towards the Zelda series. Its protagonist shares quite a lot in common with Link, including a similar fashion sense and a princess friend that can’t help but get herself into trouble. However, unlike traditional Zelda, it’s played as a 2D platformer with an emphasis on arcade-style combat. It’s probably what you’d expect would have been born should The Legend of Zelda have fallen in love with an arcade machine rather than a home console.

Not only does it play wonderfully, blending  an indisputable Zelda-like charm with combat more suited to a side-scrolling slash-em-up, but it looks the dogs too. It’s vibrant visuals take on a somewhat Japanese inspired aesthetic, whilst still managing to keep a Zelda ‘look’ about them. There’s also some very memorable boss encounters thrown in for good measure.

Described as a “kind of love letter to Zelda” by it’s creator, it’s an incredibly worthy homage to the game which inspired its nostalgic creation.  However, it’s more of a “I heart Zelda” than it is a sprawling 1000 page poem as it only has one playable level.

If you’re left wanting more from Legend of Princess, which is highly likely, you could always play the level again on a higher difficulty setting by choosing a different set of starting equipment. Also, for the OCD types amongst us, the chances of collecting rare blue or red gems increases by defeating more enemies and avoiding getting hurt too frequently.

Give a man (or woman, but mainly man) a crayon and it’s only a matter of time before he (or she, but mainly he) draws something offensive or phallic in nature. It’s as inevitable as gravity. So it’s little surprise then, that when given Crayon Physics Deluxe, the first thing I drew was a cock. But, though it may have satisfied my primal human compulsion, it’s not what Crayon Physics Deluxe is all about (and probably says a lot more about me than it does about the game).

What Crayon Physics Deluxe is about, is drawing shapes with your mouse in order to make a small red circle reach stars located at  certain points on the level. However, your only direct interaction with the circle is to nudge it in a particular direction. It’s then up to you to manipulate the situation in any way you like so that all the stars are collected.

This is where the real fun, and often mind bending challenges, are presented. Anything you draw comes to life on screen and is influenced by realistically accurate physics. For example, drawing a line between two platforms can bridge a gap. Drawing a square box with a pivot in the middle and a straight line connected to the pivot can create a see-saw type catapult that can propel the red circle to high up places. It’s entirely up to you as to how simple or intricately complicated you make it.

However, it’s within this fact that Crayon Physics Deluxe shows it’s biggest flaw because once you’ve found a method that works, it can be applied to the majority of levels in the game. Only a handful of later, more challenging levels require the player to really think about creating sophisticated contraptions with which to collect the stars.

Visually, the game looks superb and carries off a child-like charm unique to itself and with heaps of polish. At just under $20 (about £14) it’s well worth a purchase, if only to see your cock drawings come to life.

If you’re addicted to coffee and have a penchant for biscuits, then you’ll be hard pushed to find a game that’s more up your caffeine fuelled street than Johnny Platform’s Biscuit Romp!

Apart from being all about collecting cups of coffee, it’s also about killing an evil robot army by jumping on their evil metal heads! Which is something you can’t do practically in real life (apparently), and why it’s probably actually better than real life!

The aim of each level is to destroy all the enemies, which subsequently opens a door for your escape: the premise is certainly a simple one. But it’s in the level design that the game sets itself apart and the sheer addictiveness shines through. It would be more apt to label this game a ‘puzzle-platformer’ as your noggin is put to good use on later levels, figuring out how moving this battenberg here will allow me to kill that robot there, in order to open that door over there (à la Braid but without the time travelling and more biscuits).

It’s as addictive as it is fun, and it’s very fun. Which also makes it very addictive. And nice to look at too with its colourful ‘retro-style’ visuals, which all feel rather ‘James Pond’. At 50 levels, it’s not the longest game but the difficulty curve is well balanced and later levels will have you scratching your noodle for a fair while (level 44 in particular!).

And as if it couldn’t get any better, it’s yours to own now for a meager 200, to be played in glorious 1080p, on your Xbox 360! Plus, for those that don’t like paying money for their goods, it’s free to download for the DS (providing you have an R4 cart to play play it on). Your 200 for the 360 version will also get you 5 extra levels and some rather catchy background music, which the DS version doesn’t include.

You can download the game for the 360 via the community games here or for the DS here.

I was wasting my life away browsing the internet instead of doing something constructive last night, when I came across this.

A guy has decided to draw a “Dude” a day for a year, and he is documenting them on his fancy website. Why is this relevant to us, a gaming website about games, and not drawings? Because he draws game dudes, too.

He’ll (I’m assuming it’s a he doing this, aren’t you?) be continuing his wonderful drawing journey until Halloween this year, so there’s plenty more to come, hopefully. Nice. I didn’t even have to swear in this post. I think I’ve turned over a new leaf.

I dunno about Karl, but I suspect I speak for both of us when I say ‘bugger updating this over Christmas’.

I intend to spend my week off in the pub, and not on the internet, so there will be no updates from me until the New Year, which isn’t far off, so you don’t need to cry. I will do all the crying for you as I return home from the pub, alone, wishing I didn’t like games enough to write about them on the internet. Wishing I could just lead a normal, decent life, like people that don’t like games enough to write about them on the internet.

Lucky bastards.

Anyways, have a good one, people, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, and whatever else you fancy celebrating, make sure you do it right. I’ll see you in 2009. We have some new things on the way next year that you may or may not be entertained by, until then, here’s a Parappa image to enjoy:

You gotta believe.

- Matt

I want to post something substantial, but I can’t even remotely be arsed. Not even a little bit. I started something average about ten minutes ago and quickly decided it could bugger right off. So, here it is, today’s post:

Did you know that we, endoflevelboss.com, have a Facebook group? We’re so achingly cool and down with the kids in a non paedophilic way that we have a group on a popular social networking site. Would you like to see it?

Why not join? Spread the word? Get us some fucking visitors? Yeah?

Yeah.

Cheers, now you can be almost as cool as us.

Everyone loves Ninja Turtles. Everyone. If you think that you don’t then you’re a deluded fool, sir.

Remember when Konami made all those ace Turtles games for the arcades? The blokes over at Hardcore Gaming 101 do! They’ve done an article all about the good old days of kicking people in the face while pretending you’re a giant green person, which is nice of them.

That’s your lot today, I’m flippin’ busy.

Quick one today. Mostly because I resent the fact that we’re updating almost daily when we said we wouldn’t, so you’re getting a naff short post.

Here are some decently sized Sonic Chronicles artwork thingies for the new DS game. An extra special bonus exclusive to endoflevelboss.com is an intrusive Games Press watermark! Man, are you guys privileged.