I could have put this as an update to my previous post, but then we wouldn’t have this shiny new post, would we?

Well, seeing as the Quake Live (a totally free version of Quake III: Gold which is played entirely in-browser) open beta went live a couple of days ago,  I was going to give it a go and tell you what I thought about it.

I like free things; you don’t have to pay money for them. But it seems that every fucker else likes free things too and has had the same idea, which leaves me at position 29113 in the queue to play the game. So I don’t think that’ll be happening anytime soon. It’s probably really good though, so if you’re an optimist, you can pretend I said lots of good things about it.

Instead, I’ve scoured the Internet and found some other piece of interesting tat to palm you off with! It’s none other than Michael Jackson’s very own arcade collection and other sentimental belongings being sold off by auction, possibly to fund more court cases and facial surgery!

Spanning 60 pages, his collection of arcade cabinets and gaming paraphernalia is pretty staggering. But surprisingly, ‘Michael Jackson’s Moonwalker’ doesn’t make an appearance. Maybe the kids didn’t like that one so much?

Actually, it’s a shame he only invited children to go stay at Neverland Ranch, I’d have been there in a shot!

Virtual On is coming to Xbox 360.

I can’t think of a pun for the title, but I know there’s one there. I feel I should be using to word “On” to be both part of the game name and also to tell you it’s going to be “on” Xbox Live Arcade. I guess if I could think of a way of doing that I might be getting paid for this bollocks. Instead of a witty title, I went with a dig at SEGA. It still works, I think.

But yeah, my best friends (SEGA) are apparently bringing the lovely Virtual On Oratario Tangram (Virtual On 2, the Dreamcast one, if you can’t be arsed to pronounce it’s real name) to the lovely Xbox 360 via XBLA. How superb is that? Nobody knows when it’s out here, least of all me, and I readily pass this ambiguity on to you, loyal readers. However, it is out in April in Japan for the nice price of 1200 MS points, which is about a tenner in money that isn’t LIES.

There’s also rumours of Jet Set Radio and other Dreamcast things heading the 360, good news for those of us that cling to the past like a twisted sexual deviant.

It should work pretty well with dual analogue sticks, hopefully. At least it will be closer to those fancy stick things that were in the arcades and could be bought as needlessly expensive home peripherals.

Those cocks over at Kotaku have the lowdown.

Need more info on Virtual On? Grasp yourself firmly by the balls and throw yourself in the direction of Hardcore Gaming 101.

Well, I got Street Fighter IV, I don’t know if I love it or not yet, though. Of course it’s good, but it feels a lot like Street Fighter II wearing a fancier skin, and not an evolution like Street Fighter III, which is a problem to me (SF III is better than SF II, it really is). Still, I’m enjoying it, it does have shoryukens and the like so I can’t complain. When I get used to the focus attacks and ultra combo things a bit more it will probably start to stand out, but we’ll see. Rest assured, my relationship with SFIV will be heavily documented here, alongside my considerably more unhealthy relationship with alcohol.

Standout bad things so far:

The intro/menu music/theme is “I want to kill myself” embarrassing.

It has a stupid commentator, like in Capcom vs SNK 2.

It has really, really, really, (really) shit anime cutscenes in arcade mode. Anime is cheap, nasty animation, and this is even cheaper, and even nastier.

It’s really fucking annoying to play it with the regular 360 pad, and I haven’t had the opportunity to pick up the fancy Saturn pad yet.

It’s not Street Fighter III.

Standout good things so far:

It has shoryukens.

It plays really nicely.

Focus attacks are potentially awesome.

The challenge mode is super duper.

So, that’s what I think so far. I know you don’t really care. I don’t even care, but we seem to be getting loads of hits from people searching for “Street Fighter 4″ or “Street Fighter IV” or “Street Fighter pads”. It makes a nice change from the “piss TV” crowd… Maybe I should mention the arcade stick? Yes, the “Street Fighter IV Madcatz Arcade stick”, that one. That should keep the hits up.

More exciting info as this story develops.

Everyone likes dressing up like an idiot and getting drunk. Or getting drunk, and subsequently dressing like an idiot. But dressing up while sober? In the daylight? Putting a lot of effort into your costume? No. I don’t like that. That’s why I’ve never really “got” cosplayers.

What I’m tying to tell you is, well, this guy is dressed as a giant working Gameboy (or he’s just really small and got stuck in a real Gameboy) -

I haven’t watched it with sound, so I have no idea what he’s saying, but I suspect it’s something along the lines of “Shit, I’m stuck in a Gameboy” or “Shit, I spent loads of time making a giant Gameboy”.

Something involving shit and Gameboys. Still, impressive, if you’re into living games consoles.

There are too many reasons to buy that fancy Street Fighter IV/Saturn pad coming up over the next few weeks. Not only do we get the mighty Street Fighter IV (this Friday!), but the next week is Mega Drive Ultimate Collection, and then soon after Battle Fantasia comes out of nowhere and demands you shell out your last £30.

March I will spend on the streets, feeling a bit of a moron for wasting money on things that aren’t food and rent. I will sit outside the tube station with my 360, begging for electricity and eating leftover copies of the Metro.

But yeah, Battle Fantasia! I’d forgotten all about that. It’s nice to have some 2D (well, kind of 2D) games coming out in boxes instead of only as downloads, and equally nice to have a pad which should do them justice.

If you absolutely must read more about Battle Fantasia, you may want to check out this article.

Get ready for some posts involving me shouting “shoryuken” soon (before my imminent eviction and consequent life of poverty).

You bollock.

You didn’t buy God Hand, did you?

I’ve only ever played one game in my life that I thought could never be bettered in its genre, a game that takes principles developed decades ago and sharpens them to absolute perfection, a game that feels brand new yet completely nostalgic at the same time, and that game is God Hand.

If, like me, you grew up playing Konami’s scrolling beat ‘em ups in the arcade, Streets of Rage at home, and hitting everyone with lead pipes in the street (not really), you’ll have fond memories of a wonderful genre that has all but died. The closest you tend to get these days are kid’s games with button mashing “brawling” gameplay.

Fuck that.

God Hand is an example of a developer (Clover, in this case) learning from every good game in the genre’s past, and sticking it together into a perfect package. The core of this game, the gameplay, the timing of each punch, the response to your button press, is absolutely flawless. You are always in control of your guy (Gene), and if he dies, you messed it up.

This game is rock solid, if you get good, the difficulty level ramps up. It’s a challenge all the way through, and every stage feels like an achievement. It’s an old school design idea that’s missing from so many games today. Most games are too intent on you seeing the story all the way through that they forget you actually want to do something between cutscenes.

God Hand takes the piss out of itself, games in general, beat ‘em ups, everything. If you’ve been wasting your life in the digital domain for decades, you’ll find it hilarious. You get to beat up the Power Rangers 3 times, that’s how good this is.

It’s stupidly manly, but not in an “Oh dear” Gears of War way. There’s nothing quite as manly as kicking a gorilla into space, not even guns that are also chainsaws.

People complain about it not looking particularly polished, and that the camera is bad (it really isn’t, I don’t know what camera you bastards wanted), or that it’s too hard. These people are either too young to remember gaming’s infancy, or are completely missing the point. Or cocks.

What I love most about God Hand is that it knows it’s a game. It doesn’t pretend to be anything grand, the story is stupid, the gameplay is everything, and it’s not afraid to kick you in the balls. It feels like picking up a game 15 years ago, before all that new stuff like BBFC ratings, deep dialogue and online multiplayer came along.

If you’re a gamer that longs to feel like you did when you picked up Streets of Rage for the first time when you were 7, God Hand is exactly what you’ve been waiting for, and it will never happen again.

We sexy folks at endoflevelboss.com (why did we pick such a long bleeding name?!) are starting a new feature entitled: Games that you didn’t buy… but you fucking should have!

On a semi-regular basis (we may get into a rhythm once we get moving), we will be highlighting a game from some point in the past and telling you why you should probably have bought it instead of the latest cocking Final Fantasy game.

There’ll be stuff you’re sick of hearing about, and stuff you’ve never heard about, and stuff that you think looks like crap, but hopefully it will all be interesting, or at least entertaining.

If you read any of the features on these games and are not interested or entertained, please remember to fuck off.

Cheers,

- Matt

I’m going to assume for a moment that you’ve played, or at least have a fleeting knowledge of, The Legend of Zelda series.

Because frankly, if you don’t, you’re either on the wrong website again (here, let me help) or are still waiting on delivery of your Nintendo Entertainment System to the hole you’ve been living in for the past 20-odd years. Or you’re just a nob.

Legend of Princess, a game by a chap who goes by the name of Konjak, bears more than a slight nudge-wink towards the Zelda series. Its protagonist shares quite a lot in common with Link, including a similar fashion sense and a princess friend that can’t help but get herself into trouble. However, unlike traditional Zelda, it’s played as a 2D platformer with an emphasis on arcade-style combat. It’s probably what you’d expect would have been born should The Legend of Zelda have fallen in love with an arcade machine rather than a home console.

Not only does it play wonderfully, blending  an indisputable Zelda-like charm with combat more suited to a side-scrolling slash-em-up, but it looks the dogs too. It’s vibrant visuals take on a somewhat Japanese inspired aesthetic, whilst still managing to keep a Zelda ‘look’ about them. There’s also some very memorable boss encounters thrown in for good measure.

Described as a “kind of love letter to Zelda” by it’s creator, it’s an incredibly worthy homage to the game which inspired its nostalgic creation.  However, it’s more of a “I heart Zelda” than it is a sprawling 1000 page poem as it only has one playable level.

If you’re left wanting more from Legend of Princess, which is highly likely, you could always play the level again on a higher difficulty setting by choosing a different set of starting equipment. Also, for the OCD types amongst us, the chances of collecting rare blue or red gems increases by defeating more enemies and avoiding getting hurt too frequently.

That Craig bloke (what made Johnny Platform, like) has been on the radio, talking about Johnny Platform. I know a guy who was going to be on the radio, but then wasn’t, so I’m glad Craig stepped up and took his place. Thanks Craig, now I don’t have to dream anymore.

Having lived in the Teesside area for three tragic years, I know how momentous an occassion it is when someone in the area does something that doesn’t involve stabbing, robbing or vomitting in the street. Can you imagine what happened when someone in the area made Johhny Platform and sold literally billions of copies? Can you?

That’s right, someone got on BBC Tees.

Firstly, I must state that our good friend Craig does not originate from the Teesside area, and as such, has not inherited a tendancy to rape (in fact, he has never tried to rape me once, even though I wear my “I’m asking for it” skirt!).

Secondly, here is the interview. You will have to skip through to 1hr 16 mins before you hear it, unless you want to brave the rest of the show (I skipped through some genuinely atrocious music to find this bloody thing). But yeah, the woman is clearly not going to check the game out afterward as she says she might, but it’s still good, if only to hear Craig’s heavenly voice once more.

Oh, and if you haven’t bought the game yet… sort it the fuck out.